There has been a murder in my hallway. Well, maybe not a murder; something more akin to manslaughter.
No, thatās not right, either. More like plantslaughter. Actually, INVOLUNTARY plantslaughter.
Because this is an autobiographical crime drama, Iāll confess that when the green police arrive and slap on the cuffs, they will likely discover that Iām a repeat offender. A serial plant killerā¦because this crime didnāt only happen in my back hallway. Separate incidents have recently occurred in my living room and my family room. And thereās definitely an impending likelihood that it will happen again in multiple other locations in my home.
Letās just say that if youāre green and in my house, you should grow legs and run.
As you may recall from all the previously posted demolition pictures, weāve been reinventing our house over the last year and a half. (I realize there have been few or no photos of the āaftersā to go along with the ābeforesāā¦someday Iāll get thereā¦maybe.) But while things have been inching along, I have felt the strong need to introduce live greenery into our abode.
Having plants in a home is alleged to offer all kinds of health and environmental benefits, including enhanced indoor air quality. If you harken the name of this blog, you might realize that we are perfect candidates for improved indoor air quality.
Instead, do you know what live plants brought to our home?
Fruitflies. Gnats.
And so I bought this disgusting BTK apparatus.
BTK stands for Bug, Torture, Kill.
Not only am I responsible for the demise of cheerful greenery, I have to try to watch television amid the glowing blue reminder thatāas Iām trying enjoy Perry Mason rerunsāsome tiny insect is futilely attempting to extricate itself from the wall of sticky tape behind the blue lure. I envision the bug conversationsā¦āHow long have you been stuck here, Mac?ā āNot as long as sheās been stuck on that sofa.ā āYouād think she could offer us some of that pizza.ā
I almost look forward to being buzzed by one of these bitty creatures and clapping it out of the air to offer it a quicker exit.
I am a terrible human.
My criminal history lay dormant for decades when, as a young wife and mother, I realized faux greenery was more my speed. But, every once in a while, the urge to purchase a plant would occur and I would quell that urge by reminding myself how the prior yearās Easter plants fared.
Last February, the pull became too strong, and I went āall in.ā
I was filled with enthusiasm and excitement when they first arrived on that sunny, glorious day last winter.
Greenery!
And then, within days I began hearing the voice of the Wicked Witch of the West swimming in my brain: āThe last to go will see the first three go before herā¦ā
And so it began:
The first casualty was the āeasy to growā Calathea Medallion Prayer Plant.
Death by drowning. RIP 
. Took less than a month.
The Calathea Rufibarba Fuzzy Feathers battled back against intense flooding for much longer. Perhaps as long as May.
I think part of the reason it lasted longer is because the underside of the leaves are a natural burgundy that camouflaged plant distress.
However, the brown color on top of the leaves should have been a dead giveaway. 
By the time June rolled around, the Kimberly Queen Fern was dropping fronds all over my back hallway.
Honestly, by this time, I had zero idea if I was overwatering or underwatering. With Fern nearing critical condition and dropping vacuum-clogging crap all over my back hallway, my plant confidence was hovering well below zero, so I compassionately channeled my fatherās āthe hell with itā and moved her outside where I have COMPLETELY ignored her ever since.
Here is a photo of her from this morning:
Go figure. I guess my problem is that I care too much.
Not all is lost, however! Although theyāre not ready for the cover of āPlant Week,ā the Arbequina Olives are hanging in there.
Lots of olive buds appear, but I have skillfully (haha) kept them from sprouting actual olives, which is FINE with me because I donāt eat olives.
Heartened by my Arbequina āsuccess,ā Iām continuing to challenge myself to aquire SOME plant sense and am in the process of killing this second set of clearance-aisle Eugenia Topiaries.
Full disclosure: I already moved the first two heavily distressed ones to the āthe hell with itā zone. I have one more healthy one as a last gasp.
And there are others in the house in varying stages of discovering whether Iām over or under wateringā¦
although !!!! I have been having success with a few plants that seem to LOVE being neglected:
Maybe thereās hope after all!
This monthās Where Bloggerās Live topic is āSustainabilityā ā¦and while my take was a little bit of a stretchā¦kindly check out how my blogging buds are making the world a greener place by visiting:
Daenel at Living Outside the Stacks
Leslie at Once Upon a Time & Happily Ever After
Sally at Within a World of My Own
Iris at Irisā Original Ramblings
Bettye at Fashion Schlub
Jodie at Jodieās Touch of Style
Welcome to āWhere Bloggers Live.ā Itās kind of like HGTVās āCelebrities at Home,ā butā¦Bloggers!
Who doesnāt like to peek behind the scenes and see inside peopleās homes?
The second Friday of each month is when this group of seven bloggers link up to share their workspaces,
homes, townsā¦ or whatever our fearless leader, the fabulous Bettye, proposes.
Make sure you visit everyone to see where the magic happens!
Well, sadly I can join the ranks of plant murderer. I can do many things well ā taking care of plants if not one of them. My parents and grandparents were all plant people ā I didnāt et that gene at all. I do love to look at them, I just canāt take care of them.
Iris
I get you, Iris! Itās the looking! It fills me with hope and temptation. But you were SOOOO close to getting that plant gene!
So glad you wrote this post!! First, for the chuckles, second, so I donāt feel like the only plant murderer and third, so Melissa could respond with all her indoor planting tips. I generally over love my plants, too. I mean, we live in a desert. They have to need MORE water, right?
Hope you realize through all the comments that some of your most faithful readers are also struggling in this department. You are not alone!!
Yeah! That Melissa swooping in with her excellent advice!!! I have begun intentional underwatering and am hopeful that it may be just the ticket. Most of the plants are doing betterā¦
I think the topiaries need āthe perfect amountāof everything and one of them is struggling a little more than a littleā¦but the other is giving me lots of hope!
Grateful for your company!
Ahh, my sister in Plant Murder. I love gardening. Iām a good gardener. I always had beautiful gardens. Why? Because REALLY Mother Nature was mostly caring for the plantsā¦water, light, etcā¦sheās pretty reliable and I only had to step in under extreme conditions.
But HOUSE PLANTS?? They are completely under my black thumb. Like you ā overwater, underwater, who knows??
And forget about any kind of fern. I know people who make them bend to their will, but Iām a firm believer that any kind of fern belongs outside in the wild, in as prehistoric conditions as possible.
All that said, and cuz I NEVER LEARN, I have been coveting a little plant for my dreary lil room here. For the ābring the outdoors inā aspect, for whatever air purifying skills it might bring with it, but really cuz Iām hoping it might cast some more interesting shadows on the wall in the one little patch of natural light I get in here each afternoon.
PS ā love your foyer topiaries! I always wanted those flanking my front door (but outside cuz Iām not a lunatic), butā¦life has fallen short in many ways. So Iām impressed that you at least made it happen! Youāre my Plant Hero!
xoxo Bettye
Hold that thought (about the topiaries)! These ones are not cold hardy, so thatās why they were on clearance. They were such a deal that I bought six planning to share with my girls. Iāve had to retire three of them thus farā¦ Turns out, they are VERY particular (the plants not the girls).
Two plants, in the same space, same watering, and one will languish and the other flourishā¦though not the same side each time. I SO want them to workā¦ Right now the one on the left is distressing, the one on the right is doing great. Whattheheck!
I think I will try Melissaās suggestion and pot within a pot. Geezaloo!
Mother nature is a way better gardener than I amā¦. What a difference a good rain makes over any other water!!!
(Hope youāre feeling better!)
I used to have a green thumb! I had a dracena that was probably 7 feet tall! And, talk about snake plants (or mother-in-law tongues), I could grow those until they were hissing at me! But, now, I plead the fifth! I seem to be having some luck with the plants I just ignore which are the snake plants and the bamboo plants (which I grow in water). I also think the culprits are these new pots the plants are coming in. They are those self watering kind which seem like they would be the best things everā¦Iāve found they just seem to rot the plants from the bottom up. So, Iām going back to the old fashioned clay pots when I work up the nerve to actually buy more! Those things are not cheap. I remember buying plants at KMart 3 for $1.00! Now, itās more like skip the for, and theyāre $31! I so want to have a waterfall of spider plantsā¦have you seen those? Of course, I can also blame it on the lack of natural light in our house (and, I do blame it on that). Also, I always keep my Kimberley ferns outside. Iāve never tried to winter them over in the garage, but I might try that this year.
Love the humor and can definitely relate!
https://marshainthemiddle.com/
I wondered about those self-watering pots!! They seemed like the ideal solution. Some also have a wick kind of system inside. I tried my own for the three in the matching pots by lining the pots with a heavy paper towel thinking it may absorb excess liquid and then hold it as a water source for laterā¦but your shouldnāt follow the guidance of someone who struggled with āEarth Scienceā in high school (or any science for that matter, haha).
Youāre right about the prices, btw! Wow!
. Killing plants is an expensive hobby!
Hi,
I am a plant lady and if you donāt mind, I can offer a couple of suggestions. I know the urge to re-pot a new plant in a decorative container is very strong but I suggest you refrain from that error. It is better to leave the plant in its own little grow pot home and place pot and all into the deco pot while also leaving a bit of breathing room around the grow pot. Often, people take a little plant and pot it into a LOT of soil and the little plant canāt take up all the water in said soil. Place a drip tray inside the deco pot also. Stick your finger in the soil at least up to your first knuckle and for 10ā³ or more size grow pots then 2 knuckles and if it is dry then water while imagining the soil is a sponge and you want to wet the entire sponge leaving little bit to trickle out. Also, after you water you can keep an eye on the tray and if water remains in it the next day then dump it out. Fungus gnat larvae LOVE wet soil and they are difficult to manage once they emerge. Choose one day a week to check on your green children and then leave them alone. It is so much better to err on the side of under watering than over watering. I hope this is helpful and best of luck!
Helpful?!!! Melissa, I want you on speed dial!
Thank you for all your super tips! If there is a mistake to make, you can count on me to make it. I see that you have a website and I will definitely be checking it out.
Also, you are my new best friend, and all of my little green children are extremely grateful that you stopped by and took the time to comment.
You sound like me. I had a great excuse when Spookie was aroundā¦we couldnāt have plants because she would eat them (and most are poisonous to cats).
But after she left and we moved, people brought us housewarming plants.
You overwater. I underwater. I mean, I remember to feed the dog and us, but plants are a whole different thing.
Luckily, whatever the people brought us, must be hardy because they are still alive. Of course, itās only been 6 months!!
I should send you the sticker I boughtā¦serial plant killer. Very apropos,
OXOX
Jodie
The poisonous plant thing isnāt so hot for dogs, either.
I was very careful to only choose floor plants that got the ASPCA stamp of approval. The other ones I keep quite out of reach.
Glad people chose the right kind of plants for you, both from a pet and watering standpoint! Some of my plants wouldāve loved to have made it to six months, ha ha.