There has been a murder in my hallway. Well, maybe not a murder; something more akin to manslaughter.
No, that’s not right, either. More like plantslaughter. Actually, INVOLUNTARY plantslaughter.
Because this is an autobiographical crime drama, I’ll confess that when the green police arrive and slap on the cuffs, they will likely discover that I’m a repeat offender. A serial plant killer…because this crime didn’t only happen in my back hallway. Separate incidents have recently occurred in my living room and my family room. And there’s definitely an impending likelihood that it will happen again in multiple other locations in my home.
Let’s just say that if you’re green and in my house, you should grow legs and run.
As you may recall from all the previously posted demolition pictures, we’ve been reinventing our house over the last year and a half. (I realize there have been few or no photos of the “afters” to go along with the “befores”…someday I’ll get there…maybe.) But while things have been inching along, I have felt the strong need to introduce live greenery into our abode.
Having plants in a home is alleged to offer all kinds of health and envoronmental benefits, including enhanced indoor air quality. If you harken the name of this blog, you might realize that we are perfect candidates for improved indoor air quality.
Instead, do you know what live plants brought to our home?
Fruitflies. Gnats.
And so I bought this disgusting BTK apparatus.
BTK stands for Bug, Torture, Kill.
Not only am I responsible for the demise of cheerful greenery, I have to try to watch television amid the glowing blue reminder that–as I’m trying enjoy Perry Mason reruns–some tiny insect is futilely attempting to extricate itself from the tiny wall of sticky tape behind the blue lure. I envision the bug conversations…”How long have you been stuck here, Mac?” “Not as long as she’s been stuck on that sofa.” “You’d think she could offer us some of that pizza.”
I almost look forward to being buzzed by one of these bitty creatures and clapping it out of the air to offer it a quicker exit.
I am a terrible human.
My criminal history lay dormant for decades when, as a young wife and mother, I realized faux greenery was more my speed. But, every once in a while, the urge to purchase a plant would occur and I would quell that urge by reminding myself how the prior year’s Easter plants fared.
Last February, the pull became too strong, and I went “all in.”
I was filled with enthusiasm and excitement when they first arrived on that sunny, glorious day last winter.
Greenery!
And then, within days I began hearing the voice of the Wicked Witch of the West swimming in my brain: “The last to go will see the first three go before her…”
And so it began:
The first casualty was the “easy to grow” Calathea Medallion Prayer Plant.
Death by drowning. RIP 🪦. Took less than a month.
The Calathea Rufibarba Fuzzy Feathers battled back against intense flooding for much longer. Perhaps as long as May.
I think part of the reason it lasted longer is because the underside of the leaves are a natural burgundy that camouflaged plant distress.
However, the brown color on top of the leaves should have been a dead giveaway. ⚰️
By the time June rolled around, the Kimberly Queen Fern was dropping fronds all over my back hallway.
Honestly, by this time, I had zero idea if I was overwatering or underwatering. With Fern nearing critical condition and dropping vacuum-clogging crap all over my back hallway, my plant confidence was hovering well below zero, so I compassionately channeled my father’s “the hell with it” and moved her outside where I have COMPLETELY ignored her ever since.
Here is a photo of her from this morning:
Go figure. I guess my problem is that I care too much.
Not all is lost, however! Although they’re not ready for the cover of “Plant Week,” the Arbequina Olives are hanging in there.
Lots of olive buds appear, but I have skillfully (haha) kept them from sprouting actual olives, which is FINE with me because I don’t eat olives.
Heartened by my Arbequina “success,” I’m continuing to challenge myself to aquire SOME plant sense and am in the process of killing this second set of clearance-aisle Eugenia Topiaries.
Full disclosure: I already moved the first two heavily distressed ones to the “the hell with it” zone. I have one more healthy one as a last gasp.
And there are others in the house in varying stages of discovering whether I’m over or under watering…
although !!!! I have been having success with a few plants that seem to LOVE being neglected:
Maybe there’s hope after all!
This month’s Where Blogger’s Live topic is “Sustainability” …and while my take was a little bit of a stretch…kindly check out how my blogging buds are making the world a greener place by visiting:
Daenel at Living Outside the Stacks
Leslie at Once Upon a Time & Happily Ever After
Sally at Within a World of My Own
Iris at Iris’ Original Ramblings
Bettye at Fashion Schlub
Jodie at Jodie’s Touch of Style
Welcome to “Where Bloggers Live.” It’s kind of like HGTV’s “Celebrities at Home,” but…Bloggers!
Who doesn’t like to peek behind the scenes and see inside people’s homes?
The second Friday of each month is when this group of seven bloggers link up to share their workspaces,
homes, towns… or whatever our fearless leader, the fabulous Bettye, proposes.
Make sure you visit everyone to see where the magic happens!
Well, sadly I can join the ranks of plant murderer. I can do many things well – taking care of plants if not one of them. My parents and grandparents were all plant people – I didn’t et that gene at all. I do love to look at them, I just can’t take care of them.
Iris
So glad you wrote this post!! First, for the chuckles, second, so I don’t feel like the only plant murderer and third, so Melissa could respond with all her indoor planting tips. I generally over love my plants, too. I mean, we live in a desert. They have to need MORE water, right?
Hope you realize through all the comments that some of your most faithful readers are also struggling in this department. You are not alone!!
Ahh, my sister in Plant Murder. I love gardening. I’m a good gardener. I always had beautiful gardens. Why? Because REALLY Mother Nature was mostly caring for the plants…water, light, etc…she’s pretty reliable and I only had to step in under extreme conditions.
But HOUSE PLANTS?? They are completely under my black thumb. Like you – overwater, underwater, who knows??
And forget about any kind of fern. I know people who make them bend to their will, but I’m a firm believer that any kind of fern belongs outside in the wild, in as prehistoric conditions as possible.
All that said, and cuz I NEVER LEARN, I have been coveting a little plant for my dreary lil room here. For the “bring the outdoors in” aspect, for whatever air purifying skills it might bring with it, but really cuz I’m hoping it might cast some more interesting shadows on the wall in the one little patch of natural light I get in here each afternoon.
PS – love your foyer topiaries! I always wanted those flanking my front door (but outside cuz I’m not a lunatic), but…life has fallen short in many ways. So I’m impressed that you at least made it happen! You’re my Plant Hero!
xoxo Bettye
Hold that thought (about the topiaries)! These ones are not cold hardy, so that’s why they were on clearance. They were such a deal that I bought six planning to share with my girls. I’ve had to retire three of them thus far… Turns out, they are VERY particular (the plants not the girls).
Two plants, in the same space, same watering, and one will languish and the other flourish…though not the same side each time. I SO want them to work… Right now the one on the left is distressing, the one on the right is doing great. Whattheheck!
I think I will try Melissa’s suggestion and pot within a pot. Geezaloo!
Mother nature is a way better gardener than I am…. What a difference a good rain makes over any other water!!!
(Hope you’re feeling better!)
I used to have a green thumb! I had a dracena that was probably 7 feet tall! And, talk about snake plants (or mother-in-law tongues), I could grow those until they were hissing at me! But, now, I plead the fifth! I seem to be having some luck with the plants I just ignore which are the snake plants and the bamboo plants (which I grow in water). I also think the culprits are these new pots the plants are coming in. They are those self watering kind which seem like they would be the best things ever…I’ve found they just seem to rot the plants from the bottom up. So, I’m going back to the old fashioned clay pots when I work up the nerve to actually buy more! Those things are not cheap. I remember buying plants at KMart 3 for $1.00! Now, it’s more like skip the for, and they’re $31! I so want to have a waterfall of spider plants…have you seen those? Of course, I can also blame it on the lack of natural light in our house (and, I do blame it on that). Also, I always keep my Kimberley ferns outside. I’ve never tried to winter them over in the garage, but I might try that this year.
Love the humor and can definitely relate!
https://marshainthemiddle.com/
I wondered about those self-watering pots!! They seemed like the ideal solution. Some also have a wick kind of system inside. I tried my own for the three in the matching pots by lining the pots with a heavy paper towel thinking it may absorb excess liquid and then hold it as a water source for later…but your shouldn’t follow the guidance of someone who struggled with “Earth Science” in high school (or any science for that matter, haha).
You’re right about the prices, btw! Wow! 🤯. Killing plants is an expensive hobby!
Hi,
I am a plant lady and if you don’t mind, I can offer a couple of suggestions. I know the urge to re-pot a new plant in a decorative container is very strong but I suggest you refrain from that error. It is better to leave the plant in its own little grow pot home and place pot and all into the deco pot while also leaving a bit of breathing room around the grow pot. Often, people take a little plant and pot it into a LOT of soil and the little plant can’t take up all the water in said soil. Place a drip tray inside the deco pot also. Stick your finger in the soil at least up to your first knuckle and for 10″ or more size grow pots then 2 knuckles and if it is dry then water while imagining the soil is a sponge and you want to wet the entire sponge leaving little bit to trickle out. Also, after you water you can keep an eye on the tray and if water remains in it the next day then dump it out. Fungus gnat larvae LOVE wet soil and they are difficult to manage once they emerge. Choose one day a week to check on your green children and then leave them alone. It is so much better to err on the side of under watering than over watering. I hope this is helpful and best of luck!
Helpful?!!! Melissa, I want you on speed dial!
Thank you for all your super tips! If there is a mistake to make, you can count on me to make it. I see that you have a website and I will definitely be checking it out.
Also, you are my new best friend, and all of my little green children are extremely grateful that you stopped by and took the time to comment. 😘
You sound like me. I had a great excuse when Spookie was around…we couldn’t have plants because she would eat them (and most are poisonous to cats).
But after she left and we moved, people brought us housewarming plants.
You overwater. I underwater. I mean, I remember to feed the dog and us, but plants are a whole different thing.
Luckily, whatever the people brought us, must be hardy because they are still alive. Of course, it’s only been 6 months!!
I should send you the sticker I bought…serial plant killer. Very apropos,
OXOX
Jodie
The poisonous plant thing isn’t so hot for dogs, either.
I was very careful to only choose floor plants that got the ASPCA stamp of approval. The other ones I keep quite out of reach.
Glad people chose the right kind of plants for you, both from a pet and watering standpoint! Some of my plants would’ve loved to have made it to six months, ha ha.