That time I didn’t go overboard…

…is now.

If I were a NORMAL person, I probably wouldn’t think of the following four words as the kiss of death:

“Did you make that?”

But hearing that well-intended, perhaps even complimentary question sends me into a tailspin of insecurity and self-doubt.

Whoa, Mrs. Overdramatic… an actual tailspin? Okay, maybe more of an internal “Oh fleck, could they tell?”

We did discuss this phobia of mine, Don’t you remember? Like when I hand-sewed my lined and interlined curtains versus machine stitching them. Or when I completely stripped a table I ended up painting, versus just painting the damn thing from the outset.

Or during just about every other DIY project I’ve whined written about since the beginning of time.

Yep, I definitely tend to do things the hard way so they don’t look “home made.”

Would you like an example of bizarre? A store sells something and advertises it as “hand crafted,” but if you make it at home you want it to look “store bought”

Well guess what?! I’m actually about to embark on a DIY that isn’t more difficult than it needs to be. (Um, I think.)

There are other options that could be, but I am ignoring them (like hands over my ears and “la la la-ing”), because I saw one in a store that is s.i.m.p.l.e.

Thank you, Arhaus! .

I’m tackling one of the items on my 2022 project list. Replacement ottomans.

You may be surprised that I’m tackling ANYthing from the list… and I might think that was a little bitchy and not very supportive of you, were it not for that fact that you know me and I agree.

But it’s time to replace my enormously cumbersome DIY storage ottoman.

I made it several years ago and used old coffee sacks for the upholstery.

You covered it with WHAT?!

Coffee sacks. Upcycling and industrial decor was trending at the time, and since I’m as edgy as a beach ball, I thought: “hey, let’s make something hideous and put it in the center of the house where everyone can see it.”

Okay, the top half was gorgeous.

The bottom half was a poster child for Just Because You Can Doesn’t Mean You Should. But I DID learn how to tuft oversized things, which is a great life skill that I may have occasion to use again, like if I add a DIY padded headboard to the Ambitious List of Things I’m Unlikely to Accomplish.

Nevertheless, that ottoman is dead. The beautifully tufted top became a collector of the day’s dog hair and crumbs, and while my vacuum attachment was the perfect size to extract both items, so are dog snouts and paws. The former did a great job…but the latter were never off duty, and inflicted considerable damage in the process.

I whipped up a slipcover for it that got us through the holiday season (because I hide all the crappy things in my house as best I can). Let’s not lift the rugs, okay?

The original ottoman was intended to hide the blankets and pillows that my family of “loungers” would leave out after evenings of TV watching, Except only one of us would gather, fold and store all the blankets.

Yep, me that’s who.

It also functions as a snuggle spot for the dogs:

So…if no one is actually storing blankets in the ottoman, who needs to make another one with storage? Not me, that’s who….and that makes things MUCH LESS complex and no one will care.

Except for Jack. It’s his safe space:

This style from Pottery Barn is well within my skill set and dumping out the tufting would make it pretty simple.:

But nailheads are out because Allie thinks they’re fun to extract and play with in her mouth while I chase her all over the house trying to fish them out before she swallows one.

Nailheads are much easier to extract from furniture than dog intestines.

So I then considered something like this, without the trays, because I have enough dust and dog hair collecting units:

The box-style cushion on the top has that not-home-made detailing…and I’ve made box cushions for my back hall refresh so I could definitely pull that off.

This one looked even easier, swapping out a box cushion for a single welted one on a fairly simple wooden platform:

I mean what could be simpler than, essentially, a pillow on a milk crate.

And then I saw it! The holy grail of ottoman simplicity!

(There’s a “Holy Grail of Ottoman Simplicity”?!!!)

Yes, smart ass. No welts, folded corners, easy base…. see?:

In case you didn’t read the caption (hey! my captions are hidden gems, why are you skipping them?), Mr tried his usual mantra: “Get it and be done with it!” Oh, Mr! Poor, naive, optimistic Mr. Have we met, sir?

First, there’s only one…and I want two. Yes, TWO!

Second, all that creamy off-white goodness would never withstand muddy paw residue.

Third, this is a rug-style ottoman that looks so cool from a distance, but up close…

..see .those natural snags and pulls?

They would result in this dog conversation:

Allie: Hey, Ro, look at those threads! I bet I could get my teeth on one of them! If I can pull out those nailhead tacks, this would be a snap.
Roland: You should DEFINITELY do that, Allie. I bet you could pull it and pull it and make a reeeeally long string that we could both eat while the lady is upstairs drawing in today’s eyebrows.
Allie: Okay, I’m gonna get started. Bark if you see her coming!

I’d be recovering it in a week.

So instead of using a rug, I’m going to work with a new brand of performance fabric I discovered. The Crypton fabric I used on the back hall cushions may be stain resistant, but has it’s weaknesses, including a limited selection of prints . The new brand I’m trying is from a company called Revolution, which makes indoor and outdoor BLEACHABLE print fabric. Bleachable is right up my alley…. or Allie (see what I did there? I crack me up.)

HEY Em…. instead of wasting the day on captions, are you gonna actually make the ottomans, or just spend another thousand words telling us about them?!!!

Jeez…that’s mean. Alright already… I’m going.

(Update 2024: They were super easy, just not strong enough to support the wrestling maniacs. Current photos on Instagram should show the updated versions…which could support heavy artillery.)